Star Wars III - The Big Dissapointment.
May 24th, 2005
Possibly a bit harsh to say it was a “BIG” disappointment but it certainly wasn’t the epic we were expecting!
Myself (Dave), Comp (Steve), Pooley (Matthew) and Snip (Snip) went to see the latest and last instalment to the Star Was series at the Cineworld multiplex in Chesterfield. We arrived just in time for the 8.15pm showing and so unfortunately didn’t have time to indulge in a Maccies before the film, however that didn’t dampen our spirits and we proceeded to screen 5 with great anticipation. - Note that at this point noone purchased any confectionary or beverages due to the excellent foresight of myself whereby I popped into Esso on the way to pick up some Malteasers and M&M’s which just happened to be on a 2 for 1 deal (slightly more atttractive than paying £5 for a tube of Smarties at the venue).
2 minutes into the trailers and I had already popped open my M&M’s and, due to having no tea, was knocking them back like there was no tomorrow! I was just about to pass the lads my bag of Malteasers (I didn’t see the need for them myself as the M&M’s were delicious) when Matthew leapt up and exited the theatre….and then returned with a regular popcorn and soft drink!! Without realising it we had excluded him from the Malteaser fest and had forced him (out of sheer desperation) into the clutches of the cinema vendors! Sorry mate!
After watching some cracking trailers for quality films such as The Pacifier (Vin Diesel meets Mr Nanny) and the usual Orange hilarities, we were ready for the main feature…
…From the start it was pretty much “lightsabres to the ready” with all kinds of light-stick trickery going on, although as Matthew did point out after the show, many of the scenes were extremely drawn out and I’m sure that if you were clever you could time your toilet breaks to co-inside with the start of a battle and still be back in time to be bored by the remainder!
There were some funny parts to the film, which mainly feature the loveable little robot, R2 - like when R2 sprayed his robot-fat all over two unsuspecting droids and then set them on fire…or when he electrocuted a droid, which then kicked him over. But other than that the film was scattered with poor attempts at humour by the human actors - except when Obi Wan (played by Mr McGregor - no relation to Benjamin bunny) came out with a cracking line “I’ve seen enough…” after watching what can only have been 2 seconds of CCTV footage showing Skywalker (Hayden Christensen) killing some “younglings” (toddler Jedi) - I don’t think this scene was SUPPOSED to be funny but it certainly made me and Snip laugh out loud!
On a slightly more serious note I did feel quite sorry for the asthmatic robot general who clearly was not up to filming in such dusty conditions, although having said that he did manage to put up a good fight with Obi who then cut off all his arms and shot him in the bladder (I was surprised to find that robots had bladders too!).
In fact there were a lot of limbs lost in the film, not least by young Skywalker who must have felt pretty hard-done-by after loosing both his legs and his remaining good arm to the Obi “The Chopper” Wan. Its also fair to mention that thanks to the red hot magma he also lost most of his skin too 
… It was ok though because Supreme Chancellor Palpatine A.K.A Doctor Evil was at hand to patch him up and give him a nice black suit, tailor-made out of components from the Tandy catalogue. The only problem is I think they must have given HIM asthma too!! There is a lot of it about these days.
Anyway, suffice to say that Skywalker’s missus wasn’t best pleased with his new get-together and dumped him, then died after giving birth to twins. I personally don’t think it was such a shame because their relationship was getting a bit stale, all they could seem to say to each other was “I love you…” or “I love you more…” Skywalker was also spending more and more time away from home (being evil) and so I think it was for the best before a messy divorce ensued - lets face it if Skywalker had to divide his assets he wouldn’t have a leg to stand on 
… sorry.
Mace Windu (Samuel L Jackson) played a good part in the film but was killed off about a half of the way through…again he lost an arm in the process but did manage to turn Dr Evil ugly before being flung out of a window - a bit of a simple demise for a Jedi master in my opinion.
In fact, all of the Jedi masters seemed to die quite easily, maybe they had been fat-cats for too long and had become lax in the ways of the Jedi? Except for Yoda of course who was in top form as always and made friends with some of our favourite characters - the Wookies! It was good to see them again and Chewy looked in good health…bless him!
And that’s pretty much all that can be said about the film really, it wasn’t that bad but I don’t think any of us would pay to see it again, especially Matthew who was steaming with anger when we left the cinema…i was afraid that he might lash out and appealed for calm. His spirits were lifted slightly at the sight of an exquisite example of a Ford Fiesta, subtly named “The ShitBox Project” (we knew this because it was emblazoned on the bonnet in the finest spraypaint motif).
So that concludes my story of the evening we went to see Star Wars III. I’m glad the series is over now because when a box-set comes out I’ll buy it in the confidence that no more will be made! I do feel that the last three episodes have been fairly unnecessary but the Comic Book guys would have never let it rest so I can see why George did it.
Over and Out.
